Wednesday, August 19, 2009

What they Don’t tell you about adoption!!

Well, that isn’t necessarily true!  I mean people talk about it, however you think that your adoption will be different based on a variety of factors.  “My child is younger". “I am adopting a boy rather than a girl” or vice versa.  But whatever the excuse, it won’t happen to you!  You won’t be the one that will have feelings about adopting a child.  It will be bliss….everyone will adjust just as if you had given birth to this little one yourself. 

Well, it doesn’t quite work that way.  Before we went to Ukraine, I didn’t think much about it actually.  I didn’t think it wouldn’t happen to us, but rather I just didn’t think about it period.  Some thoughts of it came into my head and then would quickly exit.  I usually am a believer in “don’t worry unless and until there is something to worry about”.  We do the praying and God does the worrying, right??

So we go to Ukraine and we were childless.  We could do what we wanted, when we wanted and it was peaceful.  I have to admit, I enjoyed the break from the kids at home.  Though I missed them, it was nice to not have the responsibility for awhile.  For 5 weeks I was basically single and even during the first three weeks when Joe was there, we were the couple that we had been before kids.  Doing our thing and being together talking.  It was nice and was wonderful for our marriage! 

Then Joe went home and I had only myself to rely on.  Even after I had Jake with me for the last week and a half, I would pack him up and off we’d go exploring the city.  He and I bonded.  I mean for as much as he was able to bond with me at that point.  I had no feelings that he wasn’t mine and quite frankly, I couldn’t hardly imagine what my life was like without him in it. 

Then I came home!  I came home to three little precious children who hadn’t seen their mommy for 5 weeks.  They wanted my full attention ALL the time for several days after I got home.  I wanted to decompress for a bit and didn’t get that chance.  Which I definitely understand, but it was hard.  I was adjusting to having a family again, having a 4th child, everyone wanting to meet him, jet lag, laundry, house cleaning etc.  My three kids that were here waiting for me, were different than the children I left when we started our journey.   They had grown into these children that I had to get to know again.  That in-and-of itself was A LOT to handle. 

This feeling of disarray doesn’t go away overnight….doesn’t even go away after a couple months.  There are days… for sure… I feel like the worst mom in the world.  I have let my temper get the best of me!  I have yelled far to much and have put the kids in time out far to often.  I find that surprisingly enough, I am not impatient with Jacob, however I was telling a friend the other day that I think that has to do with the fact that he is little and can’t fend for himself.   I was telling that same friend, that I am not sure what the adjustments are actually.  Whether it is adjusting to having 4 kids, having two with special needs, having come home in the summer when there are kids 24/7 rather than school to break up the days,  having adopted, having been gone for several weeks.  Who knows, but it is and does get better and if you are in this situation, there are other people who are feeling the SAME way.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!  I know that I for one, was so glad to hear that others struggle with the same issues!  Just knowing that you are not alone is heavenly and makes me believe I can get through this transition!

If you are thinking of adopting, please prepare yourself and remember this post when you come home.  Does it happen?? YES.  Does it last forever?  NO and I guess the most important question….. Would I do it over again??  IN A HEARTBEAT!! 


gillian said...

Awesome post B!!!

Alicia said...

sending you hugs! thank you for your honesty =) blessings

Andy and Ellen Stumbo said...

Thanks for the honesty! It is good for me to read posts like your and Gillian's :)

Mommy to those Special Ks said...

THANK YOU for this post!!!! I am saving it in my favorites for when I need it. I'm sure I will. So many families have seemed to just adapt so beautifully and I am terrified that I am going to screw everything up and fall short! I am going to save these words and read them and re-read them over and over! :)